What about foreplay?
Posted on 05 May 2017
We know you enjoy the intimate times with your partner. You know: those times where you can close the bedroom door and all of the world's responsibilities fade away. Not only does sex bring the two of you closer together and allow you to enjoy fulfilling intimacy, but it also can just be downright pleasurable! When you're both turned on and want nothing more than to explore each other's bodies, we know that sex can be one of the most intense things out there.
On the flip side, however, we know exactly how uncomfortable sex can be without the proper foreplay - and nobody wants sex to be uncomfortable! Your partner isn't a mind reader - and if he is, feel free to introduce us because that sounds great! For everybody else, though, while you're worrying that you may not have had enough foreplay, your partner may be worrying that he's boring you with too much. Or he's just so turned on by the thought of you that he's having a hard time taking it slowly. No matter the reason, you might find that your partner is pushing towards intercourse before you feel like your body is fully prepared for it.
Did you know that the vagina responds to arousal? I'm sure you've heard lots of jokes about how quick men orgasm, but there isn't usually much of a focus on the female side of things. When your brain and body start to react to arousal and stimulation, the vagina will begin to lubricate itself (usually known as "getting wet"). During this time, the vaginal canal actually lengthens and expands as well. As the arousal continues, the vagina may become more sensitive to pleasure - as well as the clitoris. If your body doesn't reach these later stages of arousal, penetration might not be pleasurable - and might be downright uncomfortable!
Luckily for you, the "key" for this is usually just more foreplay and time to feel aroused. Barring particular health issues that some women face, most women just need more time during foreplay - time that many couples aren't spending! Especially if your partner is particularly "endowed" in a certain area, your body just needs more time to get aroused and ready for sex than someone who only has to worry about a penis. That's just the way the cookie crumbles.
Of course, the most straight-forward way to make a change is by being honest about things with your partner. If this is a regular partner, you might want to bring it up outside of the bedroom. Make sure it's outside of any sexual teasing or play; it's important that you both have clear minds to be able to discuss the problem. We suggest using the "sandwich" method recommended by psychologists. "Sandwich" your criticism in-between two other compliments. Your statement might look something like: "I really love how often we have sex. However, I'd really love to spend more time on foreplay because I know it'd definitely help me have even more orgasms with you". You sandwich your complaint between a couple compliments to make the "criticism" sound less critical.
If this is a one-off partner, though, you might not have the chance to do that. You also just may not feel comfortable bringing up your complaint (which is something you definitely will need to address. You both should be able to have conversations about sex outside of the bedroom!). If open communication doesn't work or he's forgetting in the spur of the moment, however, you could take the chance to use one of these other methods to encourage him to spend more time in foreplay before moving on:
Put On a Show for Him: If you're a bit more assertive, you can always offer yourself up for a show. After all, there are very few men out there who will turn down the offer to watch an attractive woman (such as yourself!) pleasure herself! This works two-fold. Not only do you get a chance to touch yourself and arouse yourself in a way that you know feels good, but you're also enjoying yourself and getting ready for penetration later on.
Offer Up Other Erotic Suggestions: Not as comfortable being the center of attention? That's okay! When you see him moving towards intercourse, consider offering up different suggestions. Say you'd love to feel him in your mouth, or you'd enjoy making out even more. Offer to get on top and then take your time as you kiss him and grind yourself against him. Offer up sultry suggestions to make him take a bit of a detour to give yourself time for your body to get ready for even more.
Play Ahead of Time: Have you and your partner been flirting via text all day, and you know you're going to end up having sex when he walks in the door at 6? Why not “pre-game”? This popular term doesn't have to solely refer to alcohol! Take some time to touch yourself, teasing your body, and thinking about all of the fun that's to come. When your partner finally gets home, you'll be extremely turned on and might be even barely able to keep your hands off of him. What a nice surprise for him, too!
Involve Some Lubricant: Sometimes, you feel like you definitely want to move onto the thrusting but your body just isn't cooperating. Some people really don't want to "admit" that they don't think they're entirely ready for sex, though. With this idea, you don't! Keep a bottle of lubricant nearby. If you're shy about the lube's appearance, you can even tell him that it's for giving him handjobs. During the moment, with a smile, open up the bedroom drawer and pull out the lubricant. Dangle it in front of him and seductively tell him that you'd love to watch him stroke himself for you. Not only will you get a bit of a show out of it, but he'll end up covering his length in lubricant to make penetration more comfortable.
Skip Out on Penetration: Not every sexual encounter has to include penetration - so don't get stuck thinking that it does. Remember some of your earliest sexual encounters? They might have just included dry humping, manual stimulation, oral sex, and more. Not everything has to end in intercourse. If you've tried other suggestions and your body just isn't feeling it today, move onto different things. You don't have to explicitly say you don't want to have intercourse if you're uncomfortable - but you'll likely want to suggest an alternate way to assure your mutual pleasure. You can offer a handjob, grind against him, offer oral sex, or even just encourage mutual masturbation.