To start off let’s dispatch the elephant in the room. I am a man. I have no pending plans to change my biology. I enjoy women, and moreover, have a vested interest in you all following the advice I am about to impart. Imagine if every partner I have moving forward knew exactly what to do with my sack? It doesn’t just hang about waiting to be scratched. Actually it does, but you know what else - It covets a gentle touch. Problem is it or your typical dude doesn’t have the heart nor proverbial “balls” to tell you so.

Well I do. So let’s get to it, here are some tried and true tips that will leave your man in ecstasy and hopefully keep his fantasies centered on you and not that new Applebee’s hostess.

1) Focus on you first

We know, we’re here to please you. But ironically enough, we get more pleasure than you’d think watching yourself please you. Warm us up with some light masturbatory play, break out an instrument or three, oils and cream don’t hurt and maintain eye contact. The latter is key, your eyes closed equal George Clooney, and we don’t like that that.

2) Speak Farsi

Little known fact, nearly all men have a weak spot for Farsi play talk. It’s hard-wired, don’t fight it. All kidding aside, whatever language you normally speak, English might be a safe bet, learn some dirty talk in another language (don’t recommend the Nordic ones). Start off with French, Italian or Spanish, your typical love languages. Commanding or lightly begging your man to fuck you in Italian will bring the evening from an average Ashton Kutcher date flick to Harrison Ford circa 1985. Dame un besito donde quieras mi cielo, atrapame! That ones on the house.

3) Your Ex perished in a nasty forest fire that consumed half the planet, he’s gone

A common mistake, and one that frankly many men make as well. “My ex used to love when I used a strap-on. He also enjoyed lace panties, but torn ever so slightly so he could slip his cock in discretely placed holes.” We get it, your Ex liked to get fucked in the ass and then fuck you, quite possibly in the ass.

Strap-on’s are ever prevalent, there are plenty on this site to choose from. And lace panties are a classic that will never go out of style. But again, this dude died in a forest fire that consumed half the planet. We don’t need nor desire to keep hearing about his cock and where you took it. This doesn’t turn us on. My cock is the best you’ve had, and if it isn’t, either lie or simply keep mute. Otherwise the Applebee’s hostess will rear her slutty head.