We started off as friends. Just kidding. We exchanged photos on a “site,” talked a bit, met a week later, kissed, and then eventually exchanged fluids in an event that in memory was fantastic, but in all actuality, was more than likely a sub-par performance.
But it worked, we watched Seinfeld afterward, kept the energy alive, later got engaged and remained married for eight “wonderful” years. I would say of those eight, half were good, and the remaining half we both sensed we were heading for a brick wall. Sexually we were compatible up to a point, as I always felt there was something missing. But reflecting more on that last sentence, isn’t there always something missing? When one fucks, (“one” being you, your aunt with that persistent lisp, or the guy that works at your local Trader Joes who swears he was wearing Hawaiian shirts long before he worked at Trader Joes) you can get caught in over-analyzing what just occurred. But all that just occurred was simply an animalistic event.
Now, some fuck more often than others, this is true, but even Trader Joes guy must get laid at some point in time – in Honolulu would be a safer bet. And when you’re married sex inevitably becomes stale over time. That “missing” component becomes more and more pronounced and if your marriage suffers an irreconcilable difference, you’re back on the market. This can be completely overwhelming, or fucking fantastic. However, either way you are now facing sex with someone different for the first time in a long time.
I went through this. It’s over now as I am in a steady relationship once again, but man do I have some Do’s and Don’ts’s to share, irrespective of gender.
- Come out the gate firing. If you’re a gal, get naughty. If you’re a guy, get naughty. Your respective partner will know (if you’ve been honest, you piece of shit) that you are back on the market again, so why hide the anticipation. Jump in, whip out that teddy or leather vest, hide the strap-on, but have it on hand. You never know. By leaving all inhibitions by the waist side you won’t have any of that, “my ex used to love when I scolded them with a hot iron, is this off-limits?” Ok, that should be off-limits, in most countries, but you get the picture.
- Cum and tell them ahead of time you’re about to cum. Don’t get me wrong, this is hot, for sure. But save this for a later moment. In fact, some lotions and cream are instead recommended to heat things up, and for all you guys out there, this will elongate the experience so that if you do cum too quickly, all won’t be lost. She’ll at least have received a sensual massage, or something along those lines.
- Call the next day. We’re going to jump out of the box a bit and advise against a simple text. The phone call is a huge follow-up that will take little time but earn you serious points. Nobody calls out of the blue any longer. As quaint as it sounds, this is a gentleman thing to do. Ladies, if you don’t get a call or text, this isn’t good. Either the meaty strap-on you bought here was inserted without the proper amount of lube, or they frankly didn’t want a rubber cock up their ass. Notes for next time.
- Say I love you. Sounds ridiculous, right? To be honest, when I separated and eventually had sex with my now girlfriend, by that time I think I did know I loved her. Now maybe I didn’t feel 100% in love at that precise moment, but being 40 I knew what I liked, and I knew what love felt like. I knew I would end up loving this person, and between us, I nearly said I love you because I knew it would be true. With that said, don’t do it, as tempting as it might be …
- Lighten up. Your marriage didn’t work out, you might be financially fucked, or fucked in a host of other ways. But the bitterness shines through no matter what you do to try and cover it up. It’s like a nasty cold sore – you keep touching your lip to see if it’s still there and the very motion of touching your lip draws attention to your disgusting cold sore. Lighten up, things will get better, and this person just might accompany you down that road. Nobody likes a Debbie or David-downer. Buy some sexy outfits and fuck, that’s better than How I Met Your Mother re-runs and cheap wine, right?
I hope this list was helpful. This is a new time in your life, so don’t screw it up.