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Overhead bins locked, seat belts fastened, your cock will be exploding shortly

Posted on 03 April 2017

On a recent trip to Brazil my girlfriend and I set out to catch the Olympic Games. Not a giant Olympics fan, I really had no preference of event. I knew track & field would probably be sold out, and while I’m a big basketball fan, I wasn’t going to pluck down $200 per ticket, especially for someone (my girlfriend) who I knew couldn’t care less and would more than likely bug me with an assortment of “pull my nose hair out” questions that would frankly ruin the experience for everyone.

By the way, ladies, if your man invites you to a sporting event, we know, you don’t give a shit, but we’re trying to include you in our lives. You know, remember when you complained about us not opening up enough. The sports event is analogous to a giant, gaping hole. We’re open! Hop in, pretend like you enjoy it, do a little Wikipedia research prior. We don’t expect you to know LeBron’s triple-double numbers for the month, but fuck, don’t yell touchdown when he dunks. Rant over.

So, we get to Rio (a lovely city, especially if you enjoy the drinking game “guess the who will snatch your wallet first”) and settle in to our Airbnb. She presents me with our sports event surprise – women’s beach volleyball. What a gal! Twenty-somethings in bikinis jumping, sweating and high-fiving on the sand. This was actually going to be stressful – how do I conceal my enthusiasm, or boner for that matter. I give her a warm “thank you,” and she shuttles off to the bathroom to freshen up. I take a seat on the Brazilian version of an Ikea futon, and out walks my girl seconds later in literally the sexiest outfit I had ever seen.

“Overhead bins locked, seat belts fastened, your cock will be exploding shortly.” She never said that, but her flight attendant outfit did. Of course her tits and ass were bursting at the seams, and that’s what a solid, sexy outfit brings to the table. Excellent seamstress work which just barely contains what causes our cocks to explode.

She came prepared with the obligatory aviation, double entendres, which we all enjoy, right? She then proceeded to crawl up the Brazilian Ikea futon, aggressively rubbing her nether-region on the cheap maroon fabric. For a split second I thought this could easily be a public health hazard as who knows how many foreign pussies and dicks have come in contact with this shitty futon. I tried to put dengue, cholera, yellow fever and AIDS out of mind for at least the next seven minutes, as I knew what to follow would be lasting, memorable, masturbation material for the next decade, and of course a blog post to share with millions of strangers.

I latched on to her like an octopus, my tentacles exploring her every surface. I felt like some starved beast, or like Tom Hanks in that dumb island movie with the volleyball when he finally makes it off and chomps into a hamburger. This outfit was driving my bonkers, and as I slid my pants to my ankles, opened my boxer-pee hole (thank God for that) and grabbed my dick, I was pleased that this piece of art, this flight attendant baby doll outfit, was also loose enough to allow me to shift her panties to the side and plunge what my Dadddy gave me into her rabbit hole.  

I tell you friends, this was some of the best 5 minutes and 34 seconds of my sexual life. She screamed (perhaps from the chafing from the fucked-out futon fabric) but even more likely from my deep penetration. Right ladies? I am not going to go the route of, “playing dress up makes you feel like you’re fucking someone else.” That’s wrong and insulting, unless that someone else is Betty White. Just checking to see if you’re still reading. Rather, sexy outfits, lingerie and the like literally enhance your sexual experience. You honestly become a bit more connected and I cannot recommend them enough. They get a bad rep in movies and cheesy porn vids, but for the love of all things correct, divine and tasteful, a solid piece of lingerie or outfit will keep your man thinking about you (not Betty White), and this is good ladies. This is good.

So to wrap the story up, we showered and then made our way to the bikini beach volleyball extravaganza. I mention this because as I watched Austria vs Ecuador, these Nordic blonds taking on bronzed South American stunners, while my dick perked up, it never really reached its true potential. You know why? The flight attendant outfit. It had already dominated my wiener, and cocks have a mind of their own too. Keep that special Johnson in your life thinking of you with a sexy piece of lingerie. Until next time…

  

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